Christmas Recap.

Happy 2011! My husband is so good looking!

Beachside Bar for the New Year. Low Key, Fun, Loved it! In bed by 12:30!

After dinner at the beach bar.

Wine, reading and sister.

The family on NYE.

Mama's favorite kind of day (me too).

Gorgeous. I never get tired of sun, sand, water and palm trees!

Christmas Day: Jarrell cousins with Grandmommy. 6 cousins, 3 of us have spouses and Grandmommy has 3 great grandchildren. She is beautiful and full of grace (and humor) in her late 80's.

Traditional Christmas morning at Campbell St. with the fam.

Well, for my bah hum bug attitude, we had a very wonderful holiday.

It's nice to be treated like royalty at my parents at the Orlando home. We enter into a beautifully decorated home (remember: no decorations at our place, no room for storage) to my Mom and Dad who have goodies waiting, the pantry stocked with all of our favorites, Dad's breakfasts every morning, cozy wood burning fires (it was cool enough this year), and yet enough sunshine to go on long walks, which we really miss this time of the year in DC (not enough to freeze our faces off, apparently). The house is big enough to spread out on a couch where its quiet, or to join around the kitchen table, its the perfect amount of togetherness, you can have a little bit of what you are in the mood for at the moment, which I appreciate for family holidays!

*Bonus: My Mom got an "insta-king" so we had a bed to sleep in, together! After 4 years of marriage, they are getting used to the idea that we sleep together (before it was twin beds, seriously! Or we'd kick my sister our of her room for her double bed and she didn't like that.) Next year's goal : Getting Jonathan an embroidered stocking! After 5 years of marriage (by then), hopefully they will make the leap.

Then we went down to Little Cayman Island for a few days of beaches, sunshine, swimming and great friends. Some of Jonathan and I's dearest friends in DC are actually the granddaughters (and one grandson in-law) of one of my Dad's friends. We met because of my Dad and their Granddad, and the chances of that resulting in a friendship are SO rare, but we really hit gold in meeting these girls and one husband. It's hard to make GOOD friends and we have found three!

Our friend's family are from the Cayman Islands (they are a colony of England) and they have some property down there so we went as their guests and it was amazing. We were treated again like royalty and loved the BEAUTIFUL views and to have sun and sand in December was quite a treat. So, I'm feeling quite spoiled and thankful for the holidays.

Here are some pictures (above)!

2011. "Many are the plans in a man's (or woman's) heart....

....but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails," Proverbs 19:21.

May I bind this in my heart and mind. May I think of it when I rise and when I wake.

2011. Hello. What is to come in this new year? Will it be good? Will it be hard? Sometimes, I have the sense that things are very good in my life and something bad is around the corner. Oh, Lord, give me faith. You give, you take away. I am gifted with life on this earth, however, long or short, with the purpose of giving God glory and praise and to have the humbling opportunity to be the hands and feet of Jesus. To give hope. To "be" with others as I imagine Jesus was when he walked the earth. Yes, He healed people. Yes, He taught. But He did this while "being" with people, in sharing life, having meals, walking, fishing, experiencing the day to day with normal people.

Mark 14:12-13 says, (Jesus is talking) "I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it".

How humbling that Jesus was saying that we (as believers) would do as He did when He walked the earth, with the power of the Holy Spirit and in the power of the name of Jesus. And He gave us permission to use His name for ministry.

I often encounter sufferings, injustices, and situations, tragedies, traumas that break my heart day in and out (God is good to heal me and fill me up continually and often, or else I couldn't keep going) from my job and the families I form relationships with because they come to our agency. This is a special opportunity that I really take seriously and am humbled often. While its a "job" and I have education in a certain area, really, I use myself as a person the most at my job. So that means it does not just separate and compartmentalize into "job" and "other life". It is all life and influences me without difference.

Personally, I have felt loss, sadness, regrets, heartache, too. In early December, I mentioned a friend of the family completing suicide and losing her life. This past week, I found out about someone I knew a few years ago, choosing to end his life by suicide. There is no way to reason with such a tragedy, it's very sad and make me feel sick to think that any person gets to that day and feels no hope or no sense that things will or could get better. Can you imagine? I put myself in that situation and what it would feel like: very dark, so lost, smelling of the Enemy trying to destroy and kill (literally) as he lurks around this world. My stomach feels sick at its pit and I weep for sorrow for these dears ones I knew and others like them who are very sad and without hope.

Then I long for more, long for eternity, for God to show himself and that all might bow down and worship Him. For the sufferings to end....

Our time is so limited. My time is limited. 2011, another year is here and Lord, what do you have? How can I be helpful? Keep me fine tuned to your voice, give me your wisdom and leadings. Fill me up so I will be like a well that never runs dry so I can "be" with people in the world (they are all your children), to meet them where they are at, if they know You or do not (I should treat them the same, with grace), to love and encourage my family and friends as well as those I work with as peers, colleagues and then those families that I meet through the role you've given me as "work". Help me to accept when I need help and sanctification and repentance. To not run from my own inadequacies but to be humble in asking for help and support and places I need to tweak. I am weak and a sinner and need You. Only you.

" I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing," John 15:5.

Bah Humbug?

Well, I just read a blog that I really enjoyed and it gave me "permission" so to speak for these words!

Check it out:
http://www.margeryraveson.com/2010/11/in-defense-of-grinch.html



While I do not know this writer (she is the mother of a friend-of-a-friend), I was screaming "YES" as I read. Finally. A fellow "Grinch".



I don't know where my spirit of "bah humbug" has come from and I don't know if I like it or hate it. Perhaps, I'm content with it?



You see, I like seeing my family. I enjoy spending time with them. But for some reason, at the holidays, it seems a lot more stressful. Is it me? Is it them? The airport is more crowded. People are more rude. Things seem hectic. Couldn't I just see my family another weekend or few days when it's not so chaotic? I enjoy food. I enjoy drink. I don't enjoy feeling so stuffed and miserable and eating, and drinking, and eating and drinking where every activity includes food and there are like 3 activities a day. Of course, I can not partake, but then everyone would KNOW I am a closet "Grinch" and we just can't have that.

Yet, those are small grudges about the holidays. This time of year is hard for many. A wise 11 year old I spend time with each Thursday told me this past week about his birthday, " I mean, it's the worst day of the year. I go back to school and what am I supposed to tell everyone when they ask me, "What did you get? What did you do?", I try to think of something to make up so no one will know it was terrible and I didn't do or get anything special. Why can't it just be a normal day? And now the holidays are here, OH GREAT."

The difference between "the haves" and "have nots" is so great and it seems to be magnified at this time of year. The "haves" make their beautiful homes even more beautiful with decor and signs of their well-to-do, their time to not only keep their home but decorate it for pleasure. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy beauty. A pretty wreath of fresh greenery, a big red bow and white lights, do bring a feeling of warmth and pleasure this time of year. However, the tears and worries of this eleven year old just continue to haunt me. He is longing for more. I don't even think it's the newest toy or a perfectly iced cake, but love, support, stability. MORE.

My own experience with Christmas was always "perfect" in the traditional, worldly sense, so maybe I have no unfulfilled Christmas fantasy that I am waiting for and for that I am thankful. I am grateful to have been given so much that maybe this has allowed me to have space to see that there is MORE and to desire that in a deeper way than all this superficial. Hopefully, this is not coming off judgemental of anyone who enjoys the lights, and gifts, and all the beautiful times of the year. There are beautiful parts. But you have to look a little bit harder. And often its the more simple things that are real.

A family friend recently completed suicide. A few days after Thanksgiving. The day after she had called to invite my mother to a Christmas party that was supposed to be this weekend. I can't get her out of my mind, although she was my parent's friend, more than mine. She was very successful as an executive at a huge Orlando institution, hundreds in the community came to remember her life, she had a big, loving family, a mother and father, siblings, a husband and two children. Yet she was looking for MORE. At that last minute of her life, she couldn't find any hope to see what the next day would bring. How does that happen? It's just irreconcilable to me. Hard to move on from. Being in mental health, one of my deepest fears is losing someone to suicide. To missing something in a person, that there is not any hope left for MORE. Or at least MORE on this side of eternity.

So, here I am again, Debbie Downer. I'm sorry. I tell you, don't bring me to a cocktail party!

More. I long to recognize beauty beyond Christmas lights, give to those in need more than a canned food drive, and to feel God's presence every day and not as the surge in church sermons preach "God with us". Emmanuel is here and is the MORE. In July. In December. In May. In this life, before my first breath, and after my last.

And to the young boy, and many others like him (or even worse off), I believe that our Faithful God will be real to him and know him. And hopefully be MORE than enough, despite his have not's in this world.

" Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven, Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted...Blessed are...." Matthew 5

When you think about the homeless, what comes to mind....

Do you wonder how they got to this point?

Do you judge?

Do you think about that this could be your friend from grade school, your uncle, your sibling? Or does it feel like that is so far from possible?

Do you blame? Do you attribute the homelessness to drug use? Drinking? Mental Illness?

I have had all the above thoughts, questions and assumptions, but my experience with real people, who happen to be homeless, has been drastic to change my thinking in the past few years.

That is the biggest things about assumptions. They often come when you don't know a REAL person with (often biased) struggles and you assume that they are so different than you. The more I am with people and know them, the more I see our similarities, rather than our differences. I like this. I like people and sharing life with them, and experiences. And being open to their experiences and in sharing my own.

Homelessness. Saturday was the Walk for the Homeless on the National Mall. My agency participated to help raise money and our agency is a benefactor from the fundraising, because we have housing programs to reduce homelessness. So, the topic of homelessness has been more "in my face" than normal in light of this walk and working to raise awareness in DC and the country.

Before the walk, on Friday afternoon, my last meeting of the day was to meet a new family. This is one of my favorite parts of my role. I, along with the case manager on my team, meet for the first time with a child or teen and his/her parent/grandparent/caregiver. A precious family tells us their story. They invite us in. They trust us. Of course, this doesn't always happen immediately, but its a beautiful beginning and I always leave feeling humbled, inspired and changed. I want to always be pliable. I want each story, each life, each family to change me. I have so much to learn.

What timing! This meeting on Friday was at a family shelter in DC. The family has been homeless and now feel fortunate enough to be in a shelter. A shelter that is in the same complex of the DC jail and the DC morgue. It is very odd that all of these entities exist on the same property and very close to one another. We couldn't find the right building, and ended up in the morgue, while trying to find a family shelter. Doesn't that just seem wrong?

As this family welcomed us into their room, which is currently their "home", we sat on the child's bed, and worked to engage an anxious, sad, withdrawn little boy. He is precious. There were so many moments during that hour and a half that broke my heart. My stomach fluttered. My eyes burned, as I resisted tears. We left with hopes to meet this family again next week, inspired from a mother who is a survivor, who is fighting for her family, a young boy who worries about going into foster care because they can't find a place to live (but he doesn't want to leave his family), a teenage girl who helps her little brother with homework every night because their mother can't read....Yet, they sing songs in the dark when they go to sleep (all in the same tiny room at the shelter), they joke and name the mice, which scamper around at night, they plan for the future, they have hope, they dream, they know it can get better, they are thankful to have one another and to have someone to fight for and with against the battles they face. Their trauma and past tragedy felt so real, yet so did their survival and resilience.

As we "walked for homelessness" on the national mall in DC on Saturday, this family was forefront my mind. I can't stop thinking about them. I hope you will have an opportunity to know people in different walks of life than you. That causes like "homelessness" will not be vague crusades, but that you will have a chance to meet real people, to hear stories and see faces that are influenced by homelessness. By mental illness. By HIV and Aids. By poverty. By sexual abuse. By trauma. There are many stories to be told and listeners are needed.

P.S. - I just saw "For Colored Girls". This will be another blog post, when I can refuel my emotional energy. I recommend it highly but it is difficult to watch. Throw off your blinders and open your self to the experiences of others. This is one way to "listen" to someone's story.

To be content.

If I were to go through my journals (and maybe even this blog), I would find much about being content. Mostly around my struggle to be content regardless of my circumstances (In Philippians 4:12, Paul shares "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength."

While I have always had earthly security and abundance such as a warm and stable home, loving supports, and more than enough financial provisions, my heart struggles to be at rest and content. If I make it to be an old woman, I wonder if I will continue to write and pray and work on this heart issue?

In psych 101, I remember learning about some named phenomenon (I don't even remember the psychological) where people are always waiting until the next "stage" in life and only then, will they be happy. Similarly, the well known quote, "Happiness is a journey, not a destination," stressing to be content and present in each moment, each step of the way, because this is in fact life. Another saying, "Life is what happens when you are making plans," comes to mind. Pop culture is filled with this philosophy of being content.

I wonder what the Lord means for us each day in this? I struggle between being present and content and wanting to DO and ACT to make things happen and better and more meaningful. I don't know if that is wrong or right. Most likely, there is a balance that I must find. How to be making changes (sanctification!) but also content and present for today. I'm not even a super big planner, I like being spontaneous and rebel against "plans" but the bigger contentedness of being satisfied and that our life is purposeful and good and all of that, is the hard part for me.

Although I can mouth off all the things I am "grateful" for in my life and my head knows I am SO freaking blessed with every piece of the pie, my heart feels like a fraud. Something feels off. While I don't think I need to be at the top of the roller coaster with being "happy" all the time, I need to be more at rest and okay with myself and my situation, even when this restlessness and sadness seems to be more consistent than not for a few weeks. Maybe its the sun setting at 5pm, the weather cooling off, the holidays looming...This time of the year can be a struggle for me for some reason. Maybe its because everyone seems to love it so much and I just can't "fake" it. How cynical and bah hum bug of me. But if I can't vent on the Internet and with you, friends, then I am really not being present and real! However, I am a work in progress and I know that the Lord's grace will sustain me and continue to teach me....Hopefully, if I make it to be that old woman, I can share wisdom to younger ladies searching for more, when MORE is already here! Right?!

P.S.- I just realized that my last post was all about me being content.....ahhh. See what I mean? Battle. Up and down. Jonathan's says something is not right in my head at times. Maybe. Is that just how woman are (and that is such a man response)? But I do not claim that in the name of Jesus and I claim sanity and clarity, haha. Kidding, but not really, I do need it in big dosages! Do you know what I do all day? I love, love, love it but it can be A LOT if I don't get filled up by the Lord, because I can be zapped and drained quickly!

Grateful.

My heart is full. Not in an emotional way, but in a steady state, peaceful, content and with great thankfulness. Humbled. I don't deserve anything good, but am thankful to God, the giver of life and everything good.

It is not like I have one great thing or big news to report. I am just thankful for my life and all that God has given. I then wonder how to remain conscientious, grateful and humbled to give back and be faithful to those in my life, to those I meet, and to my God, who gives such love to share.

Jonathan and I celebrated our 4 year wedding anniversary. Words cant express the goodness of marriage. The duty to one another, while it does not sound romantic, truly is a blessing. Even though some times are hard, it is worth it and so good. I love sharing life with my husband. No, we don't know when to have kids, or how to figure it out, or what to do about jobs, houses, cities, etc. But we are in it together. And it's so great to have a partner. I am thankful for his commitment to me. Even when I am mad at him or he frustrates me. As humans, we both stumble and fall, but I am grateful for this season in our marriage where we are so good. We know how to do this now, maybe. I hate to even say things are good, so they don't get bad. Do you ever think that way? Well, I hope we are building a foundation for the hard times and sufferings in this world. I hope to remember my gratefulness, in times where I question or don't understand.

We got away for our anniversary. A road trip to New England with a few days in Boston and then a long weekend in Nantucket, which felt like paradise on earth. I am starting to miss nature being in a city like setting, so the many untouched beaches, dunes, sea Oates, and ocean views of the island really refreshed me. The salt air, the sand, riding bikes, a beautiful hotel with a fireplace, no traffic, wonderful meals and even some great friends (we got to visit with friends in Boston, Nantucket and on our way home in Connecticut). It was so great. I feel happy just thinking about it.

After our anniversary trip, I came back to DC for a quick day at the office and then was able to go away on a work retreat. Grateful. A group of newer (and younger) supervisor advocated for this time away and training. To let your mind go and get away from the day to day responsibilities is so productive. I set goals. I remember my mission. I thought about how to implement it better. I got encouragement. I met peers and built relationships. I really, really liked the people I got to know. Isn't that amazing? The more I get to know people at my agency, the more I really like them. I feel less isolated and more encouraged. We brainstormed, thought of action items and found support. I remembered things I wanted to do with my team, but forgot about once the crises rolled in. We laughed because everyone else forgot too, so I didn't feel too guilty. We talked about how to not forget again (because the chaos will return).

Now, a normal week. I am grateful. Today, it felt very chaotic. There was a lot going on and much I could have been stressed about. Actually, my body felt the stress, my head was pounding, I don't think I ate lunch, and I felt strained. But my mind won the battle. I insisted to remain at peace. While I don't have control of the situations, I worked to be in control of myself. To be intentional about remaining grateful and remaining at peace. I have to be at peace, to impart peace to others. Hopefully, people can come to me in their stress and I can help them rest. If I am stressed and to my wit's end, then I can impart nothing.

Maybe this is not realistic, but I am trying and praying for the Lord to fill me up with His spirit. I want to wake up earlier to be more at peace in the morning. To prepare myself for whatever God has for me. To prepare myself for the people I might meet. To be able to truly "be" with the people on my team, in my home, in my life as family and friends. Our time here is a gift and I want to be able to pour myself into relationships and love well. I don't want to be "too stressed" and overwhelmed to push people away. My mind needs to be open and at rest, so I can receive wisdom and reach out for answers. I don't want to be "too full" that I cannot take in any more. Lord, help me make space. For you, for your presence and peace, for you to have control of me, for me to be open to learn, to take in, to breath, to love, more and better....

Less of me. More of You.

Success.

Since my last blog title had the word, fail, I have decided I will gloat on this one.

I finished the half marathon. No stopping, which was my goal! I will have to say I did not do it on my own. Ashley was a rock star. It didn't look like she sweat much and it seemed like a breeze...she probably could have kept on going. And Jonathan was so great to run with and he really kept me going. He was such a sweetheart and so much fun. He didn't even make fun of the runners in all their "garb" and the hoopla of the race (well, he made fun but not too much).

I have felt really great throughout this whole training process until the week of mile 12. During this run, I felt some kind of pain/twinge/something is not quite right, "HELL it HURTS" kind of thing in my upper butt, hip, lower back area. Hmm. Not really sure what it was.

I rested. It wasn't bothering me. Well, during the race, on mile 8, it came back. After a little pity party (during the race) that this came back up, I was able to pull it together and feel pretty good for a few miles (including a hill). Then literally at mile 12.5, I really didn't think I could go any farther. I felt like my leg was going to become detached from my hip joint or something. Of course this is dramatic, but I really did feel like that. Ask Jonathan (although he might confirm the "dramatic" part, but not the leg detachment issue).

Did I mention that Jonathan ran beside me the entire way? He could go MUCH faster, but he stayed with me the whole thing and it was awesome. Ash too. We all stuck together. At 12.5, when I was like, "Jonathan, I don't know if I can do it", he was so encouraging and was like, "We have trained 3 months for this and you have .5 miles to go, I will carry you from here if I need to but you are not stopping!". At the last mile, Ash started to go a little faster so I lost her in the crowd, but as we got to the finish line, she was there so we could all go across together.

When I crossed the finish line, I felt such a surge of emotions, I started to cry. That sounds so cheesy but I really did. Jonathan was like, "really?! get it together" and I did, but it was an emotional rush! And I felt so out of control of my body, I started to pee my pants....haha so bizarre! I really didn't (not like running down my leg or something) but I was amazed that my body felt like it was shutting down or something.

What an experience.

Now it's over. I honestly feel a bit of the post race blues. I was reading that because running helps your mood by boosting endorphins, adrenaline, serotonin and dopamine, following a big event when your running and exercise decreases your mood can drop. Hmmm. It makes sense. And it's the end of a holiday weekend with beautiful weather, the beach, a really great time with my husband and sister, and days of rest.

So, to keep running? And to be thankful for such great memories and the opportunities in my life. I am grateful despite a return to the hum-drum.